Friday!

It was one of those weeks where I felt I was searching - for the right passage to leap off a page, for the right artwork to surprise me with joy. It didn't come and I was swirling. Every time I sat down to share something here, it didn't feel quite right. Rather than force it, I closed my computer, lay on my bed and closed my eyes.


Still, there were simple pleasures this week: A shelf emptied and cleaned with a wet cloth. The pictures I hung last weekend happily registered every time I walked into my bedroom. Some wonderful mail and e-mail and the slow wilt of beautiful dahlias, their small banal, unblogworthy beauty.

I love the transitional seasons, but they also bring out my own restlessness. There are things I want to change and I don't quite understand what's holding me back. There are other things I think I want to change, but I'm not fully sure of yet. As the angle of light grows longer and the days shorter, that quicksand feeling takes over; the sense that all around there's change but my sameness is startling.

And so, I suppose, that's why I was searching for something to leap off a page. And, I suppose, that's why it didn't. Because those moments can rarely be summoned by sheer will, with projected needs and missives.

And some weeks are just like that. The days pass, nothing special happens, no new desires surface, no new ideas seize. There's just the waking up and thinking and feeling and searching. Until somebody, something we're not even fathoming, cuts through and catches us.

14 comments:

  1. I was hoping you'd post today. Your Friday posts start my weekend. This week has tossed and turned me upside down, I've been craving my Saturday brunch (solo) since Monday. I keep saying, breathe and reboot. Breathe and reboot.

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    1. I kept saying all week "restore factory settings"! I hope your weekend has been restorative and calm!

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  2. You must be on the cusp of something new. It seems the hardest part is just before a breakthrough. At least it has been for me. Being patient and continuing to move forward in my work is my only cure. Beautiful post.

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    1. I hope I am on the cusp of something new! I've been feeling this way for a couple of years now, on and off, but the big change I'm craving has eluded me... my patience is worn thin!

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  3. Ah...that quicksand. I wonder is it ever possible to be completely free of that feeling, for no sooner have we made the jump that the discontent begins to circle again...but in a good way. I think its what keeps us moving...in a good way. I should take this opportunity to thank you for being that one who has sometimes cut through, caught me and opened new doors, new ways of seeing, new ways of thinking, and spurred me to action. May I finish this comment with the footnote that I am keeping up with all your posts. I look forward to them and relish them and always walk away from the reading of them feeling enriched. I don't always comment because often I am so in awe of your genius for articulation that anything I can think of writing in reply just seems like flowery gushing schlock...a bit like meeting Stephen Fry and the only thing I can think of to say is "I love your stuff".
    Have a great weekend. A beautiful crisp morning here in Dublin with a clear view over to Howth from Sandymount x (What is it about the Irish and the need to report on the weather!)

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    1. Thank you so much Doreen. I really do appreciate every comment — being insecure as I am it means a lot when people pay attention to the words and comment that something has cut through and impacted them.

      I love the Irish weather reports too. Sigh... I wish I was wandering the head right now.

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  4. It was reassuring to read your words this morning. Lately, I've been feeling unsettled, dissatisfied, tired, at a loss to explain the reasons to myself.

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    1. I hope the dissatisfaction lifts soon, Danielle. Transitional seasons often put ants in my pants. I hope it's just seasonal restlessness!

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  5. Hello Jane

    I find Autumn in particular brings out these feeling you describe of restlessness. Having just returned from Ireland this week I'm finding the transition difficult and my mind is racing back to a week ago on this day I was doing such and such. I find long walks help and today I am heading to "the beaches" it is about ten miles round trip. A good sleep is guaranteed following such a trek.

    Your dahlias are beautiful and the presentation unique.

    Wishing you a weekend of joy

    Helenx

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    1. Ah Helen, I hope you had the most wonderful time in Ireland. Long walks are indeed a salve, though once back in Toronto I'm afraid the walks don't compare well with those by the sea back home.

      It takes a long time to stop flitting back-and-forth in my mind. I hope the transition is easier for you and that you enjoy your walks (10 miles is impressive!)

      Happy week to you!

      Jane
      xx

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  6. This post aptly describes how I feel much of the time. And then I become too impatient for change and start trying to force it, or do something I later regret, like drastically change my hair or make a misguided purchase. Right now I seem to have much promised me but I remain in a state of waiting, and my inability to control any of that has me in a dither. I want to sit back, remain positive, and just trust. It's very hard. And this time of year, what I usually consider the new year, rather than January, just because of how it feels, makes me feel even more restless about sameness. I feel I'm on the cusp of good change, though. I think I should in the meantime focus on the lovely things I don't want to change. :)

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    1. Hi Steph - I too tend to mask my malcontent with the busy-work of purchases and appointments. I think one of the reasons I'm feeling so much right now is that I've stripped things bare lately... the shop closing, cancelling my cable and resigning myself to certain friendships and relationships being what they are... it all left me with quiet and space to feel around myself. I'm glad for it in a way, because the masking is just that and this is more real, but it is difficult to confront.

      I consider this a "new year" time of year too. I hope your "good change" comes soon!

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